Sept 25, ’10: Highlight of my shift… Annie, 96 – “I’m a sick old woman, you FUCKING WHORE!!” Never a dull moment. Hahaha!
Sept 27, ’10: Highlight of my shift… A resident’s son, standing on the corner with arms folded and head cocked to one side, watching me trying to reverse into a space between another car and the kerb. “Hey Susan! You *almost* managed to get it in there sideways – better luck next time!”. Bloody smart arse… 
Oct 2, ’10: Highlight of my shift… having four nurse’s aides arguing, then pulling straws, over who gets to work on the West Hall over the weekend – because that’s MY Hall and they all want to work with me. Awwww. *Beams* 
Oct 12, ’10: Highlight of my shift… Suddenly realising why the place has felt so familiar ever since I started; staff, residents – the whole shebang. I was a HUGE fan of “Prisoner, Cell Block H” back in the day…
Oct 31, ’10: Highlights of my shift yesterday – Having my back massaged by Fred, our resident “Grumpy Old Man”, in return for me checking his blood sugar. A fair swap. Being told by Lil she wants to adopt me as her grand-daughter because “you’re young and you’re pretty”. (Lil is batty as a fruit cake but I like her. Opening the door to the fridge in Dinny’s assisted living apartment and having her CAT come hurtling out, screeching, at a hundred miles an hour… I nearly had a heart attack!! Needless to say, the family have been informed and the poor wild-eyed creature is going home today. (Made me think of Z Man, that did. Hehehe.)
Nov 21, ’10: Highlight of my shift ~ The DON: “Hey Susan, have you got jumper cables?” Me: “Erm… I don’t think so Machiel. You want to look in my wound treatment cart?” (A few seconds silence…) The DON: “For my CAR, Susan. My CAR won’t start”. Me: “OH!” *Bursts out laughing* “No, I don’t, sorry Mac. Hahahahaha.”. The DON wanders off muttering something about “foreign nurses” while I wipe tears from my eyes and try to get a grip of myself… (Note to self – sometimes, just sometimes, something said in American means exactly what it does in English…) *Bursts out laughing again*
Apr 4, ’11: Highlight of my shift ~ whisking off my sneaker and sock to show our bipolar, hypochondriac resident that her newly “diagnosed” fungal toenail infection is NOT something to worry about… mine’s worse than hers, lmao! She agreed, and said she didn’t need that Xanax she’d asked me for after all.
June 4, ’11: Highlight of my shift ~ The God Squad were in, holding a hymn service for the residents and chatting with them afterwards. One young thing was earnestly explaining to Dinny – who is very demented but still a true lady – about the virtues of prayer. It’s our private link to God, who will absolve all our sins and give us our place in heaven blah blah blah. Dinny listened attentively and nodded. The young thing ended her 5 minute spiel by asking her, “so, would you like to pray with me now?” Dinny gave her a beautiful big smile and politely but definitely replied “No, thank you”. I had to make a sharp exit before I laughed out loud, it was AWESOME.
July 2, ’11: Highlight of my shift ~ Talking to one of our aides, Tiffany, who’d said she was getting sick of the deaths recently. I told her, it’s an Elderly Care Facility – and death is a big part of the job. I explained the way I see it – that caring for someone at this very personal time in their life… doing it well, making it a comfortable and pain-free process, and taking care of their FAMILY as well… it’s a privilege. Anyone can take a few vitals on a patient who has come into hospital for an operation and is being discharged the next day, etc etc. But taking care of the dying is a satisfying, humbling experience, and so worthwhile when you do it well. I think Tiff went home with a new viewpoint to think about – and I think she’ll be an even better aide than she already is for it.
Aug 11, ’11: Today was the first anniversary of my starting work at the rest/rehab home. One of my favourite “rest” residents died, age 92, and one of my favourite “rehab” residents got discharged home after a six month stay. Quite fitting, in a weird way.
Aug 13, ’11: Highlight of my shift ~ Tristan, the boyfriend of one of our aides, takes great enjoyment in watching me arrive for work when he’s dropping Tiffany off. He announced, in true Alcoholics Anonymous style, “My name is Susan, and I Cannot Park”. Ha ha ha. 
Nov 26, ’11: Highlight of my shift ~ Being able to reassure an extremely anxious husband that no, the long skinny beige thing in his wife’s medicine cup WASN’T some sort of gastrointestinal worm, but a piece of noodle from the chicken noodle soup she had at lunchtime. She’d dropped a bit, fallen asleep, and when she woke up picked it off her chest and dropped it in the pot to be thrown away later.
Feb 1, ’12: Highlight of my shift – Walter, after I did his blood sugar check which involves blowing on his finger to dry the alcohol I used to clean it, telling the physiotherapist I’m great ‘cos I just gave him a blow job. He’s nearly 80. I’m just glad I was still in the room to explain to the therapist….
May 11, ’12: Highlight of my Shift… (Or, Married to a Midget):
I was potting Walter’s meds last night (80 and slightly deaf) and from outside his room I could hear him chatting up Beth, his aide. I’m laughing out loud.
Beth: Susan’s laughing at you Walter, hahaha.
Walter: I’d ask her out too, but she’s married and I don’t know how big her husband is.
Beth: Hey Susan, how tall’s Shane?
Me: He’s 6 feet 2 Walter.
Walter: Sixty-two? He’s a bit old for you isn’t he?
Me: *Giggling* NO Walter, he’s not sixty-two, he’s six FEET two. He’s forty-seven!
Walter: Four feet seven? FOUR FEET SEVEN??
Beth’s dying laughing, and I’m not far behind her.
Walter looks at me for a few seconds, head cocked to one side.
“Oh well… as long as you love each other, there’s no harm in it”
OMIGOD. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA. *THUD*.
May 13, ’12: Highlight of My Shift – or, The benefit of being the most Harassed-by-Hospice nurse in the building…
When they bring in a box of donuts for the staff, they bring a separate one in its own box, labelled
“For Susan Only”.
