August 13, 2012
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Oct 30th ’07 – A gentle dig at me Scouse mates, la!
Hi Guys!
Well, I’ve lived here in loverly Liverpool as an Honorary Scouser for over 20 years now, and that kind of gives me the right to take the mick out of the good folks that make up this wonderful city!
“Scousers” are the rough diamonds of Liverpool, the ‘lovable rogues’ and ‘scallies’ that the city has been made famous for in such TV programs as “Brookside” and the “Harry Enfield Show”. I’m sure if you wanted to see clips, they could be found on YouTube, but I’m just taking the opportunity to spread a little Scouse Humour!
(Strong Language Alert from here on!
)JOHN LENNON AIRPORT ~
Scouser Jokes
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
A: The accused.(yes i know it’s an old one)Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A: A burglar.Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.Q: What’s the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One’s thick and hairy, and the other’s a coconut.Q: What do you say to a scouser on a bike?
A: Stop Thief!Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.Q: What’s the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke – 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: “Do you want a blow job?” he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. “I’ve never seen you react like that” he says.
“Just what did he say to you?”
“I’m not sure” the big scouser replies.
“Something about a job.”
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he’s late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
“R hey lad” they say “gissa lift”.The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
“I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it – 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already”.
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, “Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God’s Boy down dere?” The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness,you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,”Fuck off, I’ll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!”
Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football Match in London.
At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.”How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the Mancs.
“Watch and learn,” answers one of the Scousers.They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip…To their astonishment,
the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Mancunian.
“Watch and learn…” says one Scouser.When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please..St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.
St. Peter tells them that there isn’t enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.
“Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven,” says God.
Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath.
“They’re gone!” he exclaims.“What, all forty?” says God.
“Not the Scousers,” says Peter, “The bloody gates…!”And last but not least, the inspiration for this blog ~ a clip from YouTube pointed out at work yesterday by one of our patients, and which just proves that the most endearing feature of the Scousers is the inate ability to take the mick out of themselves…
SCOUSE FIREMAN SAM ~ VERY Strong Language Alert!! Don’t watch if likely to be offended!
Scousers ~ I love ‘em!
