August 13, 2012

• 06/30/08 – Meaningless Words.

  

  The first time I caught you smoking heroin in the bathroom when you thought I was sleeping, after being clean for weeks, you said “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
  Yeah, right… I felt like I suddenly held a crystal ball in my hands and knew exactly the way things were going to go from that moment onwards…

  A couple of weeks later, when I’d started to think that ‘maybe things are going to be okay afterall…’ then found £80 missing from my purse. “I can explain ~ every penny!” When I replied “go on then!” and you couldn’t… “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
  
  Months down the line. Debt building, money nonexistent. Waiting for a bed in detox. You get that bed after six months of daily phone calls to keep your place on the list.

  And walk out after just 24 hours.

  “I’m sorry….”

  I leave you. Find a crummy flat and try to forget you exist. But I can’t. How do you make me feel so fucking guilty??

  Still calling round, begging for money. Turning up at work, begging for money. Causing scenes in front of my workmates and doctors. Somehow we end up living together again, and you promise to get clean. I start hiding money in places I think you’ll never look. But you do…

  “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

  Locking you in the flat, so you can’t go out scoring drugs. At your insistence. Then a phone call at work, from EasyPawn, who I’m now on first name terms with. “Sue, I’ve got ‘him’ here, with a cheque to cash, signed by you. Is that okay?” They put you on the line. “Please Sue, it’s only twenty quid. I’m desperate”. They take the phone back. “Okay” I say, resigned. “Go ahead.” “So we can go ahead and cash this for £100?” “£100!!!!” I feel sick. EasyPawn decline to cash the cheque for you. My colleague tells me to go home ~ I’m white as a sheet, shaking. How did you find the cheque book and card?

  I get home. The flat looks like it’s been burgled. Drawers ripped out and papers and clothes all over the floor. Cushions off the sofa. The front door broken open, from the inside. You bastard.

  Later a phonecall. “I’m so sorry….”
  
  Weeks pass. We’re still together. I come home from work and find my CD collection ~ gone. Sold for heroin and crack. “I’m sorry.”
  
  My mother’s wedding and engagement ring ~ pawned. No way I’ll ever be able to get them back. “I’m sorry….”
  
  Me selling cigarettes for my brother, you stealing the money I’d hidden. Me having to extend my overdraft again! to pay him back. “I’m sorry….”
  
  More stealing from me. Money from my purse. Books. Records. My jewellery. “Sorry…  sorry… sorry… sorry…..”

  You were always fucking sorry. Like I told you, time after time ~ “shut up! I don’t want to hear you’re sorry anymore!”

  After three years you finally start taking your methadone instead of selling it for cash for heroin. I’m so made up! A new start, at last!

  But you ‘need a drink’ to fill the gap. Once an addict, always an addict? To something…

  You say it’s only for a short while. But slowly over another three years turn into someone I don’t even recognise. Spiteful tongue. Nasty. Jekyll and fucking Hyde. I hate coming home from work ~ I know exactly what I’m coming home to…

  The next morning, every time, once you’re sober… “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it…”

  Spiteful words. Explosives arguaments over nothing. But of course, you’re sorry, so that’s alright then.

  Going to see Santana at the MEN Arena ~ a surprise for you. When you find out you promise to stay off the ale ~ but before we even catch the train to Manchester you’re drunk. I tread on eggshells all afternoon, waiting for someone to look at you the wrong way, or say something you take the wrong way. It takes so little.
  Going to the bar at the MEN, five minutes before the gig starts, and you order four pints. “No, just one!” I say ~ “I don’t want one”. You ignore me and order the four. I see the girl behind the counter looking at me so sadly I feel like crying. You staggering around with the beer, shoving past people to find our seats. You sit in the wrong ones. The concert starts. I tell you, ‘we’re in the wrong seats… let’s move and find our own’. You glare at me. Start shouting at me to shut up and just watch the fucking band, will you??!! Heads turn. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me.
  I get up. Your hands are full with the glasses. I shove your train ticket in your pocket and get the hell out of there, catch the next train home. Fuck you.

  The next day… “Oh God Sue, I’m so, so sorry….”

  I don’t even bother to reply.

  The last and final row. Something stupid over the way I was brushing the cat. You storm off to bed and I stay downstairs to sleep on the sofa. You get up in the night for a glass of water. I pretend to be asleep and hear you say from the kitchen “Why don’t you do me a favour and die in your sleep?”

  I’m gone. For good. The next day. When you ask why I’m leaving, and I tell you, you say “I’m sorry Sue, I was drunk! I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry…”
  
  Too right you are.

  “I’m sorry…”

  Meaningless words.
  

   

   

  94 Comments

   

  delete reply welshdoug wrote on Jun 30, ’08 How could you have stuck around so long? xx

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Please see Abby’s ‘Creative Challenge’ ~ I forgot to put the link in the blog. http://photographicpassions.multiply.com/journal/item/383/Creative_Challenge

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 welshdoug said How could you have stuck around so long? xx Mixture of guilt, hope, stupidity… *shrugs* I was an idiot.

   

  delete reply peemee1 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Wow, and wow again.that was heroic.My admiration for you grows and grows,first for being a wonderfulnurse, then for being a lovely friend and now sharing your life so bravely …and coming through the other side.Good on You girl, you are worth much more than that.Bless you and Shane xx

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08, edited on Jun 30, ’08 peemee1 said sharing your life so bravely I put it down to being overtired after my night shifts Pearl! Plus, when I read Abby’s challenge just before writing this, the title ‘Meaningless Words’ brought it all back and it seemed the ‘right thing to do’. Cathartic, if you like. I’ll probably regret it later when I wake up! Going to grab a couple of hours shuteye now. Bless you too Pearl.

   

  delete reply tabbynera wrote on Jun 30, ’08 There was so much feeling in that, I don’t know you, but it couldn’t just be written without experience. I can understand why you stayed, but all the time hope you would go and you did. You was not an idiot, but someone who was trying and thinking one day it will stop until you realised the one day would never come. This was written with feeling and I am a bit speechless at the moment.

   

  delete reply jharv69 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 What do you say in answer to this blog…. My mother would understand. My father was an alcoholic and was pretty hard to live with. Thanks for sharing Julie

   

  delete reply photographicpassions wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Holy cow, Mouse. I honestly do NOT know what to say. (Can I offer you a hug? Not like that’s going to help or anything…)

   

  delete reply soldier85 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 my heart goes out to you! You really are one tough girl!

   

  delete reply naarta wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Sue Sharing this is one of the best things you can do for yourself. While I have not been in this exact situation I have been through similar. As much as it sucks that you had to go through it it hs made you the women you are today and that is a good thing. HUGS

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 tabbynera said but someone who was trying and thinking one day it will stop until you realised the one day would never come. That’s it in a nutshell Pat. And also, that truism that you can’t help someone unless they want to be helped. You just end up getting dragged down with them. He really did me a favour when he came out with that ‘die in your sleep’ comment. I saw bloody red, and it was the jolt I needed to get some sense together and realise I did not need that in my life.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 jharv69 said My mother would understand. My father was an alcoholic and was pretty hard to live with. There’s a lot of it about, Julie. Hugs to your mum. There’s an awful lot of debate going on in the UK right now about how big name supermarkets are fueling the growing drink problem we have here, by selling alcohol at such ridiculously low prices. When I was with the ex, he could get four cans of Tennants Super Strength lager for just £5! These were 500ml cans, and 9% proof. You can buy 2 liters of high strength cider for a couple of pounds ~ it’s crazy. Teenage drinking is getting way out of hand… and going for a night out in most of our city centers is like asking for trouble. Crazy, crazy, crazy. At the weekend, about 80% of people who walk through the door of the emergency dept are alcohol~related ~ whether too ill because of what they’ve drunk to walk, or beaten up/knifed etc in a brawl. I could go on and on ~ the misuse (or abuse) of alcohol and the trouble it causes is a major bugbear of mine ~ even more so that drug addiction. When the ex was a drug addict, he was still a lovely man who I loved dearly and would have done anything to help. It was good ol’, everyday alcohol that turned him into the nastiest man I ever met. Cheers!

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 photographicpassions said (Can I offer you a hug? Not like that’s going to help or anything…) That’s cool, Abby ~ it’s two years this month since I left, and I’m pretty much over it all, just a sour taste in my mouth now and then. (But I like hugs anyway, so go ahead!)

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 soldier85 said my heart goes out to you! You really are one tough girl! As old boots Martin, as old boots! Shane thinks it’s a very British trait we have, that ability to “just get on with it”. It comes in handy sometimes, eh?

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 naarta said it it hs made you the women you are today and that is a good thing. Isn’t it though! And look at what came out of it! The flat I’m in now is another crummy hole in an even crummier area, and the other residents living in the other flats in this house are a mixture of addicts and alcoholics (I’m still in a whole load of debt from those earlier days and couldn’t afford anything else). But ~ if I hadn’t met the ex, gone through those six years and left him, moved here and discovered the INTERNET!, I’d never have stumbled across 360 and met Shane, and all the rest of the great friends I have here. Talk about a cloud having a silver lining! I couldn’t be happier now!

   

  delete reply runnergirl26 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 This brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I’ve read such raw pain on any page here. Bravo Sue. That was brilliant.

   

  delete reply octoberwitch wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Well, your blog could easily be turned into my life for 14 yrs with my alcoholic husband. Except he didnt say he was sorry, he would say he will change. Always, saying I am going to stop, Im going to be a good husband blah blah. And Pat is exactly right isnt she? It is how an otherwise reasonable person becomes an idiot, waiting on this change to come. That is because we are good in our heart and we just cant believe someone could not see their way to better themselves. I wanted to believe he would transform so badly that I waited 14 yrs and the sad thing about my ordeal was, it wasnt me that left! He finally did and didnt try to come back after 14 yrs. Even when he worked and made 3 times more money than I ever did, we had hardly anything unless I managed to swindle all the money and pay bills, buy vehicles etc. It was a constant struggle to pay for the things me and the kids needed. When he didnt work it was 10 times worse cause whatever I did have, had to be hidden or he would steal it like your story. And he did find it in the most bizarre places. After he was gone and I bartended and made a fraction of what he did we had 10 times more. I still have a very bitter taste in my mouth too and fear I will never be rid of it. Its a hard thing to deal with isnt it?

   

  delete reply ladysabrina64068 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 {{hugs}} We live in a broken world…but there is always hope and miracles if we choose to see them. You choose to see them. And in doing so, you are an inspiration to others.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 runnergirl26 said This brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I’ve read such raw pain on any page here. Bravo Sue. That was brilliant. Thanks Gotti. I feel quite honoured.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 octoberwitch said Its a hard thing to deal with isnt it? 14 years! Wow… Yes, it’s hard to deal with, and I hold a lot of resentment and bitterness about the whole episode. But what irks me most is that I still worry about him now and then, and wonder how he’s coping on his own. Soft git, or what? *Rolls eyes* I thank heaven that we never had kids, like you did. It would have been impossible to get away if we had. Good for you for getting on with it, and doing your all for your kids. They’ll be proud of you for that.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 ladysabrina64068 said {{hugs}} We live in a broken world…but there is always hope and miracles if we choose to see them. You choose to see them. And in doing so, you are an inspiration to others. Thanks Sabrina! I really don’t feel like an ‘inspiration’ ~ I’m just me, and just did what I had to do, like thousands of other women (and men ~ addiction isn’t just a male problem) do, every day. I’m naturally an optimist… the glass is always half full to my eye, and that helped a lot! *hugs*

   

  delete reply cloudthatsraining wrote on Jun 30, ’08 *speachless* A lot of words are going thru my mind this minute, like how? self respect, sadness, I so understand,stupidity, drugs drugs drugs but mostly im speachless. How could this happen to you? why did you got yourself into such kind of relationship? How can ever someone? I cannot criticise the way you ppl live but I will never understand why in your culture things such as alcohol and drugs are so accepted (I know the image you have from our culture is otherwise but I tell you we are not “That open”) Bottom line is stay away from it. I mean really next time you met a drug addict run, run fast and remember what youve been thru. Its not that is your fault he was that way but sorry to say it was your fault to stick arround. I mean really there is a small feeling of compasion but thats it! that is not your problem to solve or anyone elses. You said it yourself no one wants help from other ultil they find for help. Respect yourself hun, love yourself for what you did and tried to help him but thats it. No one deserves to take that much from you.

   

  delete reply missdarla wrote on Jun 30, ’08 “welshdoug said How could you have stuck around so long?” I know how you stayed soo long.. I’ve done the same. This was like reading an entry from my diary bleedin alcohol and heroin they ruined my relationship with the love of my life. I helped him thru detox twice TWICE!!! of course he was going to do it again, and I knew it but I loved him so much I wanted so much to believe he was sorry and that he’d change. Stolen money.. pawned furniture/jewellery, he once sold a birthday gift I got off my Mom the day after my birthday!! The third time was just too much and I left, I packed my things and I walked. We had been living together for 4 years and I was the only one in the relationship that worked, and I had worked my ass off for us. That morning I opened a letter off my bank to discover I was overdrawn by £500!! How he’d got my card out of my purse and back before I had noticed is still beyond me and then I found his new stash. He’d popped out that morning and before I could see him again (if I looked at him I would have crumbled and stayed) I left. I miss him all the time, I’ve moved on with life but my heart still holds for him (it’s been over 7 years) he now has a family, 2 kids a fiancée and that broke my heart for years, how could she keep him off the drugs and I couldn’t? but I saw him the other day and after the initial shock and stomach jumping to my throat I noticed I was in the chemist and he was getting his script for meth, *rolls eyes* he shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me… nothing has changed, just now some poor lass and his 2 kids have to put up with it now and not me. WOW I’ve never told anyone this before.. I’m sorry I’ve burdened your blog with my experience but it feels good to get it out there and to know that I’m not the only one who put up with things for far far to long. I still love him I possibly always will but I KNOW it was the right thing to do and I know it was the right thing for you too, look at things now and how happy you are ((HUGSS)) Thank you for this blog hun. Darla x

   

  delete reply utroukx wrote on Jun 30, ’08 *hugs*

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 cloudthatsraining said Its not that is your fault he was that way but sorry to say it was your fault to stick arround. My sweet pretty kitty! I’ve missed you so much!! *hugs tight and tighter!* What you said is perfectly correct ~ I was my fault I stuck around. Also my fault that I ended up with the financial debt… it was me who signed the loan agreements, me who set up the account with EasyPawn, etc etc. He wasn’t working, so there’s no way he could have done. At the time I was simply hoping that things would eventually change, but of course they didn’t. Shane said to me once that I should get in touch with the ex and see if he can pay anything to the loan payments, but I know there’s no way, and like I said to Shane… although the loans were for the ex’s benefit, it’s my loan. So, I don’t blame the ex for the position I ended up in ~ I just blame him for ever going back on drugs again, after getting clean. I was totally clueless about addiction at the time. Now I’m a little older and wiser and will never, ever, allow myself to get in that kind of mess again. I love you Auby!! It’s so good to see you’re still around! *muah!* *Leaves Auby sticky toffee pudding and a pack of marlboro*

   

  delete reply bertthemensachicken wrote on Jun 30, ’08 I don’t often read blogs that are over one screenfull (just skim thru them) but I started reading and couldn’t stop till the very last word…I was wondering if you were quoting from a paperback novel… no one in real life could really go thru something like that. I’m so glad that it finally came to an end for you. You stayed with it far far longer than necessary. Your debt is nothing… you could have paid for him with your life instead. DON’T look back… it’s over, that was your previous life. You have a brand new life now and a much much better one. I’m’ looking forward to hearing about your new life as it happens… ~:<)

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 missdarla said how could she keep him off the drugs and I couldn’t? but I saw him the other day and after the initial shock and stomach jumping to my throat I noticed I was in the chemist and he was getting his script for meth, *rolls eyes* he shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me… nothing has changed, just now some poor lass and his 2 kids have to put up with it now and not me. Darla, you’re in no way burdening anything! As soon as I read Abby’s theme of ‘meaningless words’, this blog sort of poured out ~ the first time I’ve gone into any detail about my experience, too. And I’m glad it’s helped you open up and get it off your chest! It really does make you feel better, eh? As for the bit I’ve highlighted up there ~ if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the phrase “love of a good woman” means absolutely nothing. They’ll do what they do, and if they can’t give it up for you then they don’t love you enough and it’s time to walk. I’m so glad you did, and feel so sorry for the girl your ex is with now. Poor thing. I hope she realises soon, before he ruins another life, and the kids. Fingers crossed he sticks to the meth program. One more quick thing ~ shortly before I left the ex, we were watching a movie. I can’t remember what it was, or who was in it. We’d had another flare up and were sitting in stony silence, ‘pretending’ to watch the movie. Right at the very end, the lead character said… “And love…” and I knew he was going to say… “does not conquer all” ~ before the words were out of his mouth. I knew it. I looked across at the ex and thought “no, it doesn’t, does it?” Big hugs to you Darla. I’m glad you made it out, too. xxxx

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 utroukx said *hugs* *hugs you too* Thanks Kerry.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 bertthemensachicken said DON’T look back… it’s over, that was your previous life. You have a brand new life now and a much much better one. I’m’ looking forward to hearing about your new life as it happens… ~:<) I know!!!! Hehehehehehehehehe!! I’m laughing out loud here Bert! The backward looks are more glances now, once in a while, and it gets easier to not think about it every day. I’ve got a man who loves the bones of me and who I feel exactly the same way about, and a whole new life just waiting round the corner as soon as the visa is officially stamped in my passport. WOOHOOOOOOO!!!! p.s… I love the cockcomb.

   

  delete reply ladysabrina64068 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 mousepotato66 said I’m just me, and just did what I had to do But Sue, for every person who does what they have to do, there are probably 5 others who don’t. Doing what has to be done is never easy…

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 ladysabrina64068 said But Sue, for every person who does what they have to do, there are probably 5 others who don’t. Doing what has to be done is never easy… No, it’s not easy Sabrina, it’s as hard as hell. And I feel for those who can’t find their way to it. Maybe it’s something to do with my Army upbringing ~ my father was a tyrant and me and my bro learned early to keep the peace and say nothing, until we were old enough to talk back to him without fear. I don’t know ~ maybe I am a bit tougher than some…

   

  delete reply freetogoodhome wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Wow, I’m tearing up at work… This is incredibly well-written, firmly buckling the reader into the emotional roller coaster that was your life. I’m dealing with a very similar situation right now, not drugs, thankfully, but a different kind of habit/addiction, and I, too, have heard “I’m sorry…” more times than I can count. But I have faith in this person and what our interaction means to them, and I find myself unable to completely give up just yet. I have to say, as often as I ask myself why they do what they do and what’s wrong with them that makes them sabotage their happiness, I have to ask the same about me… What’s wrong inside me that I can’t seem to walk away?

   

  delete reply officegoddess wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Very good that you found the strength to walk away. I’ve always wondered if my mom would have ever walked away from my dad. As it was, he lost custody of all four of us kids after my mom died and he didn’t get clean until about 10 years ago. Far too late to repair the damaged relationships with a couple of my sisters. I try to stay in contact with him, but he’s still just a minor footnote in my life.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 freetogoodhome said But I have faith in this person and what our interaction means to them, and I find myself unable to completely give up just yet. Good. *passes Free a tissue* ~ now stop that! It’s unprofessional! Hehehe. I wish you both all the very best Free, and will be rooting for you all the way. I’m feeling such good vibes!! *tight hugs*

   

  delete reply ladysabrina64068 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 freetogoodhome said What’s wrong inside me that I can’t seem to walk away? I think you said this in one of my blog comments….”What if…” I struggle with this too…so much so a friend gave me Dr. Laura’s book, “10 Things Women Do To Screw Up Their Lives.” I just got it yesterday and will begin reading it tonight. I think making a public statement is a good first step, it took courage and demonstrated a willingness to identify that corrective action is needed. You have something to hang your hope on and that to me, would be reason enough to stay for now…

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 freetogoodhome said What’s wrong inside me that I can’t seem to walk away? Love has a lot to do with it.

   

  delete reply ladysabrina64068 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 “Fire destroys paper, but it purifies gold…”

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 ladysabrina64068 said I think making a public statement is a good first step, it took courage and demonstrated a willingness to identify that corrective action is needed. You have something to hang your hope on and that to me, would be reason enough to stay for now… Oh yes! That was so good to read!

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 officegoddess said I try to stay in contact with him, but he’s still just a minor footnote in my life. Sometimes that’s the best way to keep it hon ~ at arms length, where no further damage can be done.

   

  delete reply freetogoodhome wrote on Jun 30, ’08 ladysabrina64068 said I think making a public statement is a good first step, it took courage and demonstrated a willingness to identify that corrective action is needed. You have something to hang your hope on and that to me, would be reason enough to stay for now… I’m actually starting to believe that it might actually to MY turn to win at this insane gamble we call love… ) YAY!! lol

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 freetogoodhome said I’m actually starting to believe that it might actually to MY turn to win at this insane gamble we call love… ) YAY!! lol I’m so excited for you!! lmao!!

   

  delete reply yetanotherguy13 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Sue, this is a brilliant bit of prose you’ve put “out there” for the world to read. This is fit as a second or third draft for a magazine piece – I bet with a small amount of expansion and a teeny bit of editing THIS ARTICLE could buy your plane ticket.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 yetanotherguy13 said I bet with a small amount of expansion and a teeny bit of editing THIS ARTICLE could buy your plane ticket. Y’know Guy, several people have said similar things. You see ‘real life’ magazine articles where the writer gets £500, £1000… But I don’t really want to do that. You guys here in the blogiverse are friends to me ~ I wouldn’t necessarily want this going out to strangers. I trust you all here, and I’m still by and large anonymous. That makes a difference.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Funny how a really good blog can come out of being so tired this morning….

   

  Comment deleted at the request of the author.

   

  delete reply yetanotherguy13 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 mousepotato66 said Y’know Guy, several people have said similar things. You see ‘real life’ magazine articles where the writer gets £500, £1000… But I don’t really want to do that. You guys here in the blogiverse are friends to me ~ I wouldn’t necessarily want this going out to strangers. I trust you all here, and I’m still by and large anonymous. That makes a difference. Well, lemme see here… there was this American writer, name of Sam Clemens, didn’t want his journalist name associated with his fictional stuff… went by Mark Twain. Then there was that brit dude, went by Lewis Carroll… and that other one, called himself George Orwell…

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 “That Brit dude” ~ hahaha! You’re too funny Guy! But you know, I hadn’t thought of that. D’uh. It might be worth thinking about. Thanks.

   

  delete reply emmm1 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 Sue, all I can say is that hindsight is 20:20. We can tolerate so much in the name of “love” until something draws away the veil from our eyes and we see the situation as it really is. As women, we are all guilty of the trait of caring for those who don’t care for themselves. We nurture, protect and make excuses for their issues as if their shortcomings are a reflection on our failure to turn them around. Sometimes we just have to draw a line under it and realise that there is absolutely nothing we can do no matter how hard we try. Even though you strive to keep a doomed and one sided relationship alive, there comes a time when you just have to call a DNR on it.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 emmm1 said As women, we are all guilty of the trait of caring for those who don’t care for themselves. We nurture, protect and make excuses for their issues as if their shortcomings are a reflection on our failure to turn them around. Emmm, your entire comment puts it all in a sweet nutshell, this part in particular. Thank you.

   

  delete reply princsssilly wrote on Jun 30, ’08 *hugs*

   

  delete reply jharv69 wrote on Jun 30, ’08 mousepotato66 said There’s an awful lot of debate going on in the UK right now Its here too, you know, i saw their new add on tv last night, and it shows generation after generation, the father saying to his son “go in and get your dad a beer son”, the kid goes to the fridge to get the beer (all the while it is changing from 50′s to 60′s to 70′s, 80′s etc, and everytime he gets to the fridge, the boy turns around and he is 15 or so years older, he walks outside, and gets together with his mates…then his son goes by on his bike and the father says, “go in and get your dad a beer son” and the add goes on and on right up to present time…. And it says something along the lines of your kids picking up your habits and drinking with you… It is very thought provoking add…the drunken violence with teenagers is getting worse here too…. My father was also the same…completely different man when he was sober…but like you said so very nasty with the drink. If it was beer he was drinking he wasn’t to bad, but wine, or port, and he turned mean….he never hit mum, or me, but it was the tongue. You can hurt with words and they cut deep.It is true, that the tongue is full of deadily poision. Jules xx

   

  delete reply skyerider wrote on Jul 1, ’08 Sue… so near and dear to my heart… and you tell me YOU envy ME for my talent! This is awesome and I find myself, tears streaming… my ex had other addictions… but the “I’m sorry” over and over for years… Very powerful. Very well written.

   

  delete reply navarrofreak67 wrote on Jul 1, ’08 I can relate.. been there with someone.. and gave then 4 years to clear up.. they got worse.. we left and they bottomed out a few times.. and today ,,. they .. still have bad times but the past year has been good so far.. fingers crossed for them.. all the damange they did tho.. can never be changed. HUGZ

   

  delete reply wrathofkublakhan wrote on Jul 1, ’08 strong stuff, strong writing, strong woman … thank you

   

  delete reply wildminx wrote on Jul 1, ’08 Sue that experience with that man took you to make the very change that opened the door to Shane and your new life….goodness has found you! xo

   

  delete reply wildminx wrote on Jul 1, ’08 beautiful solid writing too…:)

   

  delete reply finneganswhacked wrote on Jul 1, ’08 Incredible prose, Sue! You captured the anguish, frustration, resignation, futility and pain of loving an addict so well. Simply powerful!

   

  delete reply mykebodean wrote on Jul 1, ’08 WOW!!!!! You give him about 10 more chances then I would have.

   

  delete reply battygoth wrote on Jul 1, ’08 and THAT is why im single and aim to stay so …. great blog sue

   

  delete reply wigglebottom wrote on Jul 1, ’08 WOW… ahhhh gee, what do I say??? Nothing really as I have never been there… In either position, thankfully so. I understand the reluctance to give up on a loved one, and I admire that quality in you. You went above and beyond in my estimation… I don’t think I would have given anyone that much before I kicked them out. You do know that the basis of what is said when a person is drunk, is the real thoughts that they have. When he said, “Why don’t you do me a favour and die in your sleep?” that must have totally crushed your heart. I don’t know how you managed to stayed quiet at that moment. I don’t know how you could hold yourself together until he went back to bed. But as it goes, everything is done for a reason and you have now found a nice man to fill that void in your life. I hope you can let the past go and feel a bit of relief from letting this out. It must be therapeutic to some degree. You have managed to do what I didn’t think was possible. Which is; to garner more respect than I already had for you. I thought you had my total respect before, but you have raised the bar for everyone else… God love ya

   

  delete reply cloudthatsraining wrote on Jul 1, ’08 sorry if I was hard. *happy with the treats hehe* muah!*

   

  delete reply blisssfully wrote on Jul 2, ’08 Ahh Sue, I understand where you were. I had loans to pay off, money swiped, was lied to, cheated on, and had drug sales going on at my home while I was at work. That, and so much more. I finally did what i needed to do. Walk away. I am glad you were able to do the same.

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 2, ’08 no shit

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 2, ’08 we all have our days-so get an f’n grip and get on with it *winks*knew stephan would steer you right dear come on through

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 2, ’08 here waiting (and grinding my teeth impatiently)

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 2, ’08 every fault is a challenge to me a failed comprehension only limeted by structure of my genome i never relent %#$*&^%$%(+)&*^% a moments peace before i unleash again?

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 2, ’08 every single day we fail we strive to do our best and fail i know you i want you best on the planet my susan

   

  delete reply practicalhermit wrote on Jul 3, ’08 *wink* now there! is a woman that deserves to be loved *smiles* i’ll do my best

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 princsssilly said *hugs* *hugs you back, Peggy*

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 jharv69 said he never hit mum, or me, but it was the tongue. You can hurt with words and they cut deep.It is true, that the tongue is full of deadily poision. Same with the ex Jules ~ he never laid a finger on me. But you’re right… a vicious tongue can be just as bad as a fist. Thanks for calling by hon.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 skyerider said Sue… so near and dear to my heart… and you tell me YOU envy ME for my talent! This is awesome and I find myself, tears streaming… my ex had other addictions… but the “I’m sorry” over and over for years… Very powerful. Very well written. Thank you Ari! I take that as high praise, coming from you ~ you’ve got one of the best gifts for writing I know around here. I’m sorry you’ve been through a similar situation ~ looking at the comments from people here who know what it’s all about, it seems it’s more common than you might think.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 navarrofreak67 said I can relate.. been there with someone.. and gave then 4 years to clear up.. they got worse.. we left and they bottomed out a few times.. and today ,,. they .. still have bad times but the past year has been good so far.. fingers crossed for them.. all the damange they did tho.. can never be changed. HUGZ *hugs*

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 wrathofkublakhan said strong stuff, strong writing, strong woman … thank you Thank you, Wrath ~ it’s good to see you hon.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 wildminx said Sue that experience with that man took you to make the very change that opened the door to Shane and your new life….goodness has found you! xo Thanks Minxie! Yep… goodness certainly has found me ~ and I’m never letting him go.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 finneganswhacked said Incredible prose, Sue! You captured the anguish, frustration, resignation, futility and pain of loving an addict so well. Simply powerful! Thanks Finn.

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 mykebodean said WOW!!!!! You give him about 10 more chances then I would have. Ten more than I should have done Myke… but that’s the way it went. I’ve often wondered what my life would have been, if I’d thrown him out that first time. I probably wouldn’t have gotten online, met Shane and be as happy as I am today, so I’m not complaining!

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 battygoth said and THAT is why im single and aim to stay so Yeah Batty… but not all men are assholes! I bet someone will find you, or vica versa, when you least expect it. *hugs*

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 wigglebottom said You have managed to do what I didn’t think was possible. Which is; to garner more respect than I already had for you. I thought you had my total respect before, but you have raised the bar for everyone else… Aw shucks, Jerry… you’ll have me blushing! God love you, too. (But he won’t as much as I do

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 cloudthatsraining said sorry if I was hard. You weren’t at all swetheart ~ just honest, and it was nothing I hadn’t told myself a thousand times already. *hugs* *Leaves potato and cheese pie and a tiramisu for afters*

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 blisssfully said I am glad you were able to do the same. Ditto, Blissy. I can’t believe how many of us have gone through similar experiences…

   

  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Jul 4, ’08 practicalhermit said *wink* now there! is a woman that deserves to be loved *smiles* i’ll do my best And I know it Shane, and will do exactly the same for you, too. ROLL ON!!!

   

  delete reply coolranch wrote on Jul 4, ’08 I was numb the first time I saw this; I was used to the “Egg, Fried Egg” theme in prior videos. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than the way you were treated. I almost lost a friend to crack cocaine, he thought he was cool and could just try it. He was wrong; months later, after selling most of his belongings, he had a sudden sober moment and crawled into a Hospital and asked for help (I had no idea where he was at this point). I called his apartment and got his Mom, who was really nervous but then remember who I was and I offered to help clean out his abandoned apt. She had flown across the country to help him. So when people say “Let’s decriminalize drugs”, it’s all I can do to hold my temper. It isn’t fun, it isn’t cool, it’s a dangerous poison with a euphoric side effect. He went through hell, too; but he did it to himself. You went through hell because of the deep empathy you have in your heart for the people you care about. Nurses rock. Peace to you.

   

  delete reply eccentricmare wrote on Sep 25, ’09 I’d not seen this. Thanks for sharing. Inspiring me to write again. Bless you Sue xxx

   

  delete reply auntb93also wrote on Dec 16, ’09 Yes, I see your point about my comments about Steve. Sure, it’s a different situation, but the theme is the same: you want to believe him when he says he’s sorry; you want to believe he’s learned his lesson. You want, so very much, to believe you were not a fool to love him in the first place. A different situation, partly because most of my pain came toward the end. We were doing pretty well, although I knew he was depressed and had painted himself into a corner with opportunities lost and age creeping up on him. I wanted to believe he was working himself out of it, developing some new goals, giving himself some real skills with which to build a career working for himself, since he had no resume to work for someone else. I wanted to believe, but I think I always knew it was not going to happen.

   

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  delete reply josfreshlybrewedmood wrote on Apr 20, ’10 “I’m sorry” grows old rather quickly, eh? And it loses any meaning it once had. Wow, what a powerful piece…so glad you left that relationship so it did not destroy you. Love is not always enough and it does not conquer all. That is the stark reality. I have been on both sides of the coin, being a recovering drunk. And I have been with an addict or two. I listened to the “sorrys”, the empty promises and the knowledge they were mere words, perhaps because folks were so (too?) patient with me before I got sober. And some part of me held on to the hope, no matter how small it was, that maybe this time things would change. I have come to realize that another’s love cannot make a person overcome his or her addiction. That person, point blank, has to make a choice. There comes a point when sorry just does not cut it any more and when love cannot thrive in a relationship with an addict who is still using.

   

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  edit delete reply mousepotato66 wrote on Apr 20, ’10 tapewormz said this is the first thing of yours that i ever read. remember? Yes, I do, Z Man. And glad you did, or I’d still be a non-member of your Private Club.

   

  delete reply eccentricmare wrote on Apr 21, ’10 I’m glad you commented on this mousie. I saw it again today as a result. ((((Hugs)))))

   

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  delete reply serenole wrote on May 6, ’10 I knew we were “kin”…. we weren’t “victims”… we were “volunteers”. ( Alanon speak…)

   

  delete reply goofygreeneyes wrote on Jun 21, ’10 freetogoodhome said What’s wrong inside me that I can’t seem to walk away? i wonder that too…

   

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  delete reply brycecoddnormal wrote on Jun 1 Sounds like personal experience…sorry. And sorry, because you probably made that clear way down in the prior comments somewhere, and I am seeing this something like 4 years after the original post.

   

   

   

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