August 13, 2012

• 05/03/08 – One for us ladies ~ who KNOW!

  

  Sent to me by my wonderful friend Murka ~ and far too good not to share!

  This truly is the greatest letter ever written.

   

  Subject: The best email…ever

    

   

   

   

       This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
  Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
  rolling after the first paragraph.

  It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-
  winning letter.
  

  Dear Mr. Thatcher,

  I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years
  and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
  Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback
  riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up a ND
  down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
  revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
  enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
  aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a
  little F-16 in my pants.

  Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
  suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is
  starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
  violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
  body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband
  likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

  As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt
  seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
  customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must
  know about the bloat ing, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
  mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
  surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
  Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles
  into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s
  Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.? Crazy!

  The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
  is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings
  me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
  cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
  opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
  were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

  Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
  your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing
  happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
  mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
  James?? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
  anything’happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself
  up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t
  march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
  plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

  For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have
  to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
  something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
  ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

  Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
  immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
  chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
  certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
  brand of condescending bull shit. And that’s a promise I will keep.
  Always.

  Best,
  Wendi Aarons
  Austin , TX
  

  • 9:53 am
  • 1 Comment